I married a serpent’s organ


I had a dream that I was to marry my ex-girlfriend Andresia from college. Although as lovely as ever, I felt as though we had drifted apart and the marriage was a tad odd. It was a lavish affair and seemed to take place in a hotel resembling a palace. The instant it was over, I began regretting it. Our personalities would not mesh, we didn’t have much to talk about. It felt awkward, being there in our wedding suite. Two long feast tables were sitting in the courtyard right outside the door, waiting for us to consummate the marriage (I was a tad anxious about this because while the huge double doors were solid wood, the wall around them was transparent glass). I think I was so disinterested in the situation with her that I started looking for a Tiger Electronics handheld game* to play instead of interacting with her. Anyway, while it’s quite often I make decisions I regret, the fact that this was a decision that I would be regretting for the rest of my life was starting to sink in.

So it turns out that all this was a ruse. Her family, a clan of nobles from a small but powerful neighbouring nation, needed us to get married to enable her to transform, slide into her mother (a massive serpentine creature)’s tail via a strange orifice at the tip, and become an organ within her body that would produce a powdery metallic substance that was crucial to strengthening their nation somehow. I mean, god damn, how did I not see that coming? She could come out from time to time and become humanoid again but still. I don’t want to be married to a mythical monster’s appendix.

I remember my mother asking me at the wedding how the marriage was going. I told her the thing about the serpent mother in law and she instantly accepted it and voiced a moderate amount of concern for my situation. I expected her to think I was joking or be annoyed that her son finally being married was marred by such terrible circumstances.

This is what a Tiger Electronics game looks like.

This is what a Tiger Electronics game looks like. (This is not a dig at the real Cookie Clicker, which I enjoyed tremendously.)

* If you don’t know what it is, just imagine the most boring and incomprehensible videogame experience of your life, and then imagine something that, by comparison, makes it seem like the greatest game ever. A calculator is more fun.


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